Revenge Of The Porgs
by Legatum
Summary: When they first arrived on Luke Skywalker's island, Chewbacca thought nothing of eating Porgs. After all, what was the worst that could happen?
1. Day 1

Chewbacca bit into the cooked Porg, savoring it with relish. The tasty meat was unlike anything he had ever eaten before. It was savory and rich, with just the right amount of natural sweetness. He hoped that they would be able to stay on the island for a while. Such delicacies were a rare treat indeed. Blissfully, he continued to enjoy his meal. But, in the shadows on the edge of the campfire, eyes watched the feast. Angry eyes, dangerous eyes, vengeful eyes. Eyes that promised a vast and terrible retribution for their devoured comrade. And come morning, the tribulation would begin.

Chewie awoke the next morning refreshed and rested. The sun was shining, the weather was perfect, and there was not a cloud in the sky. A cool ocean breeze ruffled Chewie's fur. All in all, it promised to be a beautiful day. Suddenly, a sharp chirp broke the silence. Chewie turned and found a Porg staring at him with wide eyes.

Breakfast was the first thing that popped into Chewie's head. He could still taste the delicious meat from last night on his tongue. He growled as he realized that he had left his Bowcaster on the Falcon. He would have to catch it by hand. Carefully, he took a step forward. The Porg did not move. Chewie took another step, then another, then another, then another. Still, the Porg did not move. Now, he was only a few feet away. One leap, and he would have the Porg in his clutches. Trying to contain his excitement, he prepared to spring.

Then, a malicious gleam came into the Porg's eyes. It opened its mouth, and let out a shrill cry. Instantly, Chewie found himself facing not one Porg, but a small army of them. They took up positions behind the Porg he had been hunting in a disturbingly military formation. Chewie felt like a prisoner on trial before a vicious tribunal. Before he could react, the lead Porg released an ear-shattering scream, and the army attacked.

The flock of cuddly little creatures swarmed Chewbacca, trapping him in a swirling vortex of flying bodies and sharp little teeth. He tried desperately to stand his ground. "NO"! He told himself. "I am a Wookiee! I am descended from the greatest warriors in the Galaxy! I will not retreat before a bunch of fat little..." His thoughts on his glorious ancestry were interrupted as a Porg rapped him sharply on the forehead. Chewie grabbed for the Porg, who retreated out of arms reach. Before Chewie could pursue, another Porg got his attention by grabbing a beakful of butt hair and pulling them out by the roots. Completely helpless, Chewie flailed about in a desperate attempt to deter the attackers. As the melee continued, a pair of new Porgs flew into the fray, each holding the opposite ends of a thick vine in their beaks. Swiftly, they wrapped the vine around Chewie's ankles and pulled. Tied together, Chewie's feet were literally yanked out from under him and he hit the ground with a thud. The rest of the Porgs gathered around the vine, chattering excitedly and grabbing it with their beaks. Only too late did Chewy realize what they were doing. "Dear God no..." With a single unified effort, the Porgs flew into the air, taking the vine with them.

Two Caretakers, trudging slowly up the path, came to a screeching halt as a flock of Porgs came flying by carrying a thick vine, from which the mighty Chewbacca was hanging upside down, wailing frantically. As the odd procession passed, the Caretakers looked at each other. Things had definitely gotten weird around the island since the new arrivals had shown up.

Managing to bend his neck upwards, Chewie gasped. Straight ahead, were several of the huge cow like creatures that provided the Island's inhabitants with milk; and the Porgs were headed right for them. They were going to crash into them, he was certain. But, at the last possible second, the Porgs released the vines and broke off, sending Chewie flying headfirst into the bulging belly of one of the beasts. Splayed out on the engorged gut, Chewie slowly looked up. The face that greeted him was anything but friendly.

Chewbacca learned two important lessons that day. First, despite their lumbering, lazy appearance, the cow creatures were perfectly capable of movement. Second, the average speed and agility of any sentient being is exponentially increased when pissed off, even more so if the creature happens to be female.


	2. Day 2

The Next Day...

* * *

Chewie lowered the Falcon's ramp, fully alert. Bowcaster at the ready, he warily exited the ship. The moment his feet touched dirt, he hit the ground, ready for an attack. Nothing happened. Rising to his feet, he cautiously advanced. After several tense minutes, he relaxed. The coast was clear. There was no sign of anything in the area. Not so much as a distant cry could be heard from the Porgs, or any other native of the Island. Chewie let out a sign of relief. It appeared that the Porg's little quest for vengeance was over. Feeling better, he swung his Bowcaster over his shoulder and turned back towards the Falcon.

He stopped dead in his tracks. The legendary Millennium Falcon, the fastest ship in the Galaxy, hero of the Galactic Rebellion, was covered in Porg shit. The entire hull was dotted with small but especially nasty looking droppings, making it look as if the Falcon was suffering from a severe case of blue-green chickenpox. Only then did Chewie notice the ominous odor emanating from his beloved ship. It smelled of fish, oil, and other things that Chewie did not want to think about.

Managing to slightly recover, Chewie scanned the hull. It was clear that cleaning the Falcon would take no less than a full day. The thought sunk in. An entire day of scrubbing Porg poop. On a whim, Chewie did a quick 360, just on the off chance that there was something nearby that he could brutally murder with his bare hands. Nothing. With a sign of resignation, he trudged back up the ramp to gather supplies. It was going to be a long day.

The sun was just beginning to set when Chewie scrapped the last piece of excrement from the hull. He straightened his back, groaning as the sore vertebra cracked. From the top of the Falcon, Chewie stared across the ocean, which was tinged with just the slightest hint of gold from the setting sun. A profound sense of satisfaction filled him. He had shown strength and resolve in the face of great adversity. He had stepped up to the challenge and prevailed. The Falcon was whole again; and, he had to admit, it had been ages since she looked this good. Why, she looked thirty years younger at least. Chewie's chest puffed out with pride. It occurred to him that the best days of one's life were not the ones where everything just fell into your lap, no, the best days were those that pushed you, challenged you, and forced you to overcome adversity. Well, he had done so. He came, he saw, and he con... And then something wet and slimy landed on top of his head with a splat.

A sickeningly familiar odor filled his nostrils. Chewbacca froze, his brain refusing to accept the reality of what had just happened. Forcing himself to look up, he saw a Porg flying above him, screeching what could only be described as a victory call. From the nearby rocks, a chorus of voices responded in approval.

Grabbing a scrub brush, the furious Wookiee drew his arm back, preparing to throw it at the offending Porg who dared to poop on his head. However, in his wrath, Chewie forgot that the hull of the Falcon had not completely dried yet. As he stepped into his swing, his foot landed on an area that was still slightly wet. His foot went up, his body came down, and then he was rolling, rolling, rolling off the side of the ship, and he fell to the ground with a heavy thud.

Face down in the grass, Chewie spent the next ten minutes calling the Porg species every vile name he could think of. And as a smuggler, he knew quite a lot.


	3. Day 3

The Day After That...

* * *

After the previous days shenanigans. Chewie had decided he had no choice but to sleep outside. After all, what was to prevent the enemy from returning and subjecting him to another day of shit-scrubbing hell? No, the only thing to do was risk sleeping outdoors. Then, if the little bastards returned, he could blow their deceptively cute asses out of the sky with his Bowcaster.

He spent an uncomfortable night on the hard ground, hand on his weapon, jolting up at every little sound. At last, he fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of feces and flying rodents. Thankfully, the night passed peacefully, and Chewie awoke to find the Falcon shit free. He enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and began to hope that perhaps it was over.

No chance in Hell.

About midday, storm clouds began to form on the horizon. Chewie viewed the coming storm with a certain amount of approval. Perhaps it would drown some of the bastards, or at least ensure that they would leave him alone. He broke camp and proceeded to lock down the Falcon.

An hour later, the storm stuck with full force. However, inside the Falcon, Chewbacca was warm, dry, and safe. He relaxed in the cockpit, watching the chaos outside. He smiled as he imagined Porgs being smashed by flying rocks, or torn apart by the vicious winds, or being hurled into the ocean and devoured by… "Chirp, Chirp."

Chewy leaped up so fast that he banged his skull on the overhead, but the pain was nothing compared to the terror he felt. They were here. Instinctively he reached for his Bowcaster, but stopped short. The powerful weapon would tear the ship apart if he fired it indoors. No, he would have to take care of this the old fashioned way. He grabbed a pipe on the side of the cockpit and ripped it out of the wall with a mighty pull. "Crap, I hope that wasn't anything important." He thought. No matter, he could fix it later. At the moment, he had a real emergency to deal with.

Creeping out of the cockpit, he slowly walked down the hall, ready to strike at a moments notice. He stepped through the bulkhead door, and froze in horror. There, on the floor, was a fresh pile of all-to familiar feces. Chewbacca shivered. They were here, and they were defecating. Just then, a loud clatter came from the direction of the berths. The implications were too awful to consider. If those monsters got into his bed…

In a burst of speed previously unknown to the Wookiee race, Chewy bolted back into the hall and took a left into the bunk area. He dashed to the bunk area, hoping that the apocalyptic visions dancing in his head would not come true.

They didn't.

The truth was far worse.

It looked as if someone had set off a satchel of thermal detonators. The mattresses had been ripped to shreds, which lay thick upon the floor. Nests made out of the stuffing and what had once been the pillows poked out of the corners. Fish carcasses decorated the bed frames, and the ever present smell of shit wafted up from somewhere among the destruction. Chewy could only stare, open mouthed, at the scene before him. It suddenly struck him that the Porgs must have snuck aboard while he was breaking camp.

A click sounded to his right. Slowly, deliberately, he turned. Standing in the middle of the hallway were three Porgs, staring up at him with their big bright eyes. But Chewy no longer saw the big eyes, soft fur, or adorable little faces, all he saw were miniature demons, come from the depths of hell to rain destruction and misery down upon him. He raised the pipe above his head, and charged. The Porgs fled down the corridor, with 250 pounds of pissed off Wookiee on their heels.

The clamor of the chase drowned out the raging storm outside as Chewie crashed, stumbled, and banged his way through the ship in pursuit of the Porgs. It was no use, the Porgs were just too fast. After ten minutes and a significant amount of damage inflicted to the ship, Chewie was forced to stop. Breathing heavily, he saw a thermal detonator sitting on a storage shelf. An idea popped into his head, and he grinned evilly.

Grabbing the detonator, he hit the switch that lowered the ramp. With a groan, the ramp opened, lowering until it hit the ground. A gust of wind blew through the entrance, sending crap flying everywhere. Provided with a way to escape the big walking carpet, the Porgs chirped happily and flew out into the storm. Chewie followed them.

Struggling against the wind and rain, he pursued them doggedly. The strong winds slowed the Porgs down considerably, allowing Chewie to keep up. When they were a safe distance from the Falcon, he made his move.

"Take this you fluffy little bastards!" He growled, and threw the detonator. Unfortunately, at that instant the wind changed directions, blowing the detonator right back at him. The dismayed Wookie turned to run, but it was too late. The detonator exploded, sending the unfortunate and dismayed Wookiee flying into the air, off the nearby cliff, and down into the raging surf far far below.

Several hours later, after the storm had died down, a tired, wet, and _very_ pissed off Chewbacca returned to the Falcon. Rey, who was investigating some minor wear to the outer hull, watched the miserable hairy giant trudging up the hill. As he approached, she opened her mouth, only to be fixed with a murderous glare from her friend. She promptly swallowed her questions. As Chewy lumbered up the ramp, Rey decided it would be not be prudent to ask why his ass looked like it had been on the receiving end of a flamethrower.


	4. Day 4

And The Day After That...

* * *

Chewie savagely strapped on his bandoleer, which he had packed to the brim with ammo boxes and grenades. A laser rifle was slung over his back, while a massive blaster hung at his side. His hands here enveloped in protective metal gauntlets. Never in his life had he been so well equipped, and he would need every bit of it for what lay ahead. He picked up his Bowcaster and descended down the ramp, eyes hard with determination. Today he would end it. He would bring the Porg's reign of terror to a close.

Outside, it was calm and peaceful, but Chewbacca had been through too much over the last several days to believe it. He roamed the nearby hills and rocks, searching for his nemeses. Finally, he found a small Porg hiding behind a boulder. He gleefully aimed his weapon at the creature. Just a quick pull of the trigger, and he would have his revenge.

The Porg's eyes stared into his own, filled with bright innocence. After what seemed like an eternity, Chewy signed and lowered his Bowcaster. He couldn't do it, even after everything that had happened, he just could not bring himself to do it. The Porg's eyes shined with gratitude. Then, it let out a loud chirp and looked upward. On pure instinct, Chewie also looked up… just in time for an especially large glob of Porg shit to hit him square in the eyes.

Dropping his weapon, he clawed at his face. Managing to wipe away most of the gunk, he cracked open his left eye just in time to see the flock of Porgs that hit him head on like a battering ram. The force knocked Chewie off his feet and sent him rolling down the hill.

The same two Caretakers who had witnessed his first defeat three days earlier, were pushing a wheelbarrow down the path when a massive rolling hairball hit the cart head on, sweeping it away with him. The Caretakers looked at each other. Things were getting out of hand, they would have to have a very serious discussion with Master Skywalker about this.

Meanwhile, the unfortunate subject of their ire continued to fly down the slope at suicidal speeds. But the universe looks out for her children, and the universe saw fit to provide this particular child with a large boulder to halt his progress; which it did, very successfully. Trembling, Chewie got to his feet, battered, dizzy, and shiteyed. And finally, he lost it.

All the anger, all the frustration of the last few days erupted out of his soul and clawed its way out of his throat in such an explosion of rage that it broke through the language of the Wookiee race and took form in the only way that it could properly be expressed.

On the other side of the Island, Rey's meditation was abruptly shattered by a thundering roar.

" **FUCK!"**

Rey's eyes snapped open. "Did Chewie just talk?" A Porg, sitting nearby, just smirked.


End file.
